My secret thoughts

Choked

otakurobin — Sun, 21 Oct 2012 22:51:29 -0500

I apologized for not able be on tumblr very much lately.

I don’t have a great month lately.

Last year October 2011 was my best month with an ex.

This month is supposed be my favorite month but no it is not. Not because of not be with my ex anymore but now I am into the rough situation with family.

If anyone concern about me… read more cause this is going to be long ass story.

Read More

Emotions/Relationship/Lust

otakurobin — Mon, 07 May 2012 14:42:22 -0500

I hate to say but I realized how much empty inside of me.

Sound like it’s depressing. I beg different really. If it’s depressing, It’s different story, something I would stuck in same old memories and asking myself a question, “Why?”

But I wasn’t even felt sad or anything. I just.. can’t feel it anymore. Either I must have cut off my feelings/emotions. When I said Feelings on misfits and such, well I was tried to sound like one because I know that feelings without trying having one.

Just, I don’t know. So far I make out with two different boys in two days, before Jessica’s graduation. All I can go for lust. I don’t care about relationship at least.

But then I make out with second boy after Jessica’s graduation on our date. (same day…) All I can think of feeling lust.

Later same second boy I make out last week, before the night for midnight premier for Avengers. I end up asking him about dating.

I realized I become stronger and cold somewhat. I learn that I can move first, get what I want if I want this. We end up as friends. I can’t tell if it’s like friends with benefits or not. But honestly, I don’t care but kissing him. Bite my lip is best part. Oh also bite my neck.

Normally I thought I would felt clingy or something about relationship or him. But No, I didn’t. I just don’t CARE….at all.

oh and Guess I didn’t mention about first one. Honestly, I did really avoid him. Not because what we did. But really he get so excited about try have me come over again. I may sound bad.. oh wait I AM bad person. But really.. I wish I didn’t kissed him while high at his place. Well that part being high was nice feeling but my lust took it over. He seem little dominated on me. I learn I don’t like it. This is where I realized I do enjoying having dominate on men when it come to me, then I learned that I am pretty open about my life. Oh did I mention that first one is way older than me, in 30s? But that doesn’t bothered me.

Just since with second boy who took me out for a date is good at kissing, I just forgot about that man. I do sound bad but these are nothing to me.

So many things in a month since my ex dumped me. I moved on. I began left my memories away. Our laughs, dates, sex, angry, and everything became nothing to me now. I.. just.. went with like, “Well….Shit.”

I honsetly, wasn’t sure what to do but I realized that it’s all clearly make good sense about it.

Jesse is just different boy. I do actually have feelings for him which is VERY rarely for me. Because with everything else, someone gave me gifts…or someone take me out to movies, or friends brought me drugs or drinks… I was like whatever, just let’s get my life be like every normal adult’s. Just… Not like I would be exciting. It’s really rarely to feel exciting or feel so emotional.

Right now I am okay, I promise.

I also…have bad anxiety attacks in last 3 months. So, I finally get myself on the pills. It helped me to calm down. But normally I don’t went that far but my previous relationship sucks at end. I decided to take these pills for my future relationships and another stress things.

I’m just glad my emotionless and myself being move on and do something. I am happy really, But it’s hard..for me to describe about my emotions at moment. But I am perfectly alright. :)

Felt like I want to express on here. So no judge..hopeful.

Diabetes.

otakurobin — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:26:28 -0500

I learned that I have diabetes from last semester. Little right after I start dated to that guy.

I never told anyone but my mom and myself. I was depressing inside, but I was also happy that time with that guy.

Finally I realized I need some support because my mom, God knows what she would say things to me and never do any actual supports than tell me, “YOU NEED EXCRISE! WELL… WELL.. THAT DOCTOR TELL YOU TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER” Sound like she’s a bitch but she is more like blunt person. But not too blunt.

So around December, I finally had an appointment with Diabetic doctor. She’s much sweet person I EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I mean sweetest doctor.

She encourages me about food. She never even mention about my weight. I never felt lift off my low esteem to high. Because of her. So I started to do diet and such. With medicine I used; Metiformin.

I was struggling at first. Also I told my ex about my diabetes after November ends. I wasn’t sure if he actually show support but he was actually concerned as I can remember.

So from 200 pounds in December to now, I haven’t weighted myself right now but my best guess was 170. Or even 165.

I never told you guys about it because I was in shame and felt alone for a while because I am young.

Very young to have diabetes. I hate myself for it. Really. I never told anyone but few of my friends, ex, my parent, family, also my interpreter. Even one of my teachers. I really never liked to share about myself.

Who want to say, ” HEY! I HAVE DIABETES AND PROUD OF IT!” ? Seriously.

Diabetes is the serious illness.

Now, not because I am losing the weight for stereotype or whatever. I am doing it for my diabetes. I wanted to be healthy. Eat normal, watch it out for any bad food that I should avoid or eat less than expected.

I started taking diabetes pills actively in Early Jan. Then a month later, I guess I did developing my anxiety badly because of the relationship. I pretend everything is ok but it wasn’t never ok. I guess it’s the possible that my anxiety make me nausea and want to vomiting at my friends and everywhere that I do not give any shit.

Now he dumped me, the more good news I recently received.

My blood sugar is sudden into normal range. And it stay that way for a while also.
I am shocked to hear this because I am way above than normal range, the normal is usually start from 6.5% and low for HbA1c %. I am at 5.7% which is off from the chart that I have on the paper. It’s extremely normal, even that number means normal FOR non-diabetic person. I need to keep remind that I am still in diabetes range, possible pre-diabetes for now. I am so much happy and never thought I actually beat this kind diabetes than my dad which he never do any changes for years and sudden noticed that I am losing and eat right as I thought and my dad decide to quit the soda for his diabetes and for me.

I never felt so much more support from him but then he was little jerk about me figure it out that my medicine is the reason why it helped me losing more weight as if I am excrise and eat right.( I, personally, think he was jealous that I was able do that since 4 months ago by diagnosed that I am in nearly to serious diabetes level) But still he did it which I have been trying tell him for three years about quitting soda or rather, reduce the soda.

Now I felt more brave to sharing.

Also I got haircut today.

Okay, my view.

otakurobin — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 21:08:33 -0500

People might assumed I will never understand or commit the relationship enough.

I really did try my best on it.

I DO KNOW Jesse does work SO HARD on college and work. He have friggin’ 19 credit hours. I mean I will die from that.

I DO.

But just the thing is,

He doesn’t commit VERY WELL.

I guess, He felt more pressure have me around.

Is that hard? Please. But, doesn’t matter, It’s been a week. A friend asked me if I am still going to her college graduation because HE might be there.

I know that, But that’s doesn’t stop me from it. I mean I am frickin’ adult. I will be there for my talent friend, in fact, I am so MUCH proud of her to finally to able graduate without delay it.

So, I kinda of stopped developing my anxiety from relationship which is good.

I mean, I remember how he added me on myspace four years ago, I was about to deny it because I almost can’t recorgized him with painted until I finally get picture closer and realized it is him which my gay friend ( oh I also lose him this year. I don’t know why but he defriend me on facebook which I don’t give ANY fuck about him ) and I rate him 10 stars, rather as saying he’s cute. I accepted the request from myspace.

This is where it started. We become friends during the winter break.

I was have little party with my close friends, Eventually I make out with my best friend. Because we all pretend to be drunk which is really stupid. But It was my frist kiss with a girl. I thought I were a lesbian but I wasn’t because.. I just can’t image myself be able to date a girl, because god knows they are bitchy than boys.

Early Jan, JD decide to left and transferring to D.C and graduate there. So I was lonely in math class, Jesse decide come and write the note with me, I remember he drew me abraham lincoln. I never had develop any feelings, Sure I did have fanasty being in realtionship but I never took it as serious. I was into many things such as comic, manga, gore, edgar poe allen, and more. But he is just… different boy than I ever met any boys in my previous life.

From that then I sew him a cute ribbion which is rainbow. For his graduation. Then He got me this poster of Pyramid Head on my 18th birthday. Also then He got me statue of buddha for christmas, I don’t remember what I got him for christmas. Really I don’t. I just can’t remember. But for his birthday I got him a cute cake ( my homemake cake, Tres Leche ).

Then to that point, we hang out more after that. Because of Toni, my was once ex friend and then we both become friends since Jan 2012. She used to date Jesse’s best friend. But then Toni and Derrick break up in 2009.

Then I learn that he wasn’t good at commit the relationship after we “dating” two years ago in 2010. Why I am saying “Dating” because he wasn’t label us as dating. I asked him about it, he avoid the conversation and kissing me as like he pretend I didn’t say that. Then RIGHT after we both watch harry potter with friends at midnight two years ago. ( HP:P1) He acted so much weird. Stopping response my texts but would do anything to talk with derrick. I remember that day derrick begging me to take him around to shop for christmas. He show me excited and read some conversation between him and Jesse. That day I tried to talk he would NEVER talk to me at all. I am not saying I am jealous, but come on, is that too hard to talk to me? Come on. So I am the one who saying time to talk three days before 2010 ends.

He said in fast sign language to me, ” I am soo sorry to being so bad boyfriend. I just don’t have time for us. I mean I am so busy with school. I just can’t do this anymore”

Two years later, same excuse.

“I am sorry, It’s my fault. I am so busy with school. I can’t go on with this relationship. I think it’s better to end this. I do CARE about you but let’s remain as friends. I think it’s better for me.”

Finally I got stand up instead being worm on the floor and brawling. But of course I did crying but this time it didn’t goes worst like two years ago. I told him, ” Same.. excuse. I am sorry but I don’t believe your excuse. You know you could have done better than THIS. YOU DO DO DO HAVE TIME. Everything is the equality.You know what? I think IT’S BETTER to be not friends anymore.”

I never seen him with red face and lips being shut like if he tried to not fuckin’ crying after I said being not friends.

I am not even sorry.

Well I sound like a bitch. But my view on him?

Problary never going to date him again. If I do, the cycle remains same.

Or not.

But, I did glad he finally label me as his girlfriend, well now ex. I did glad that he did commit well in first three months. I never see him exciting when he come into my life. But now, it’s just same.

Moral of story is, Never date a boy who have same excuses over and over.

memory:date:time

otakurobin — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 08:03:28 -0600

I really hate to remember in past. I was like, yo Mr.scumbrain.. I know I love to thinking and analyze slowly, but this kind of annoying to get up at 5am and looking at the life, thinking that I do have bullshit life but then i remember everything i went in my path goes became a fate.

Feeling like I am having some wisey-thoughts but all I have is bullshit thoughts.

” yo nohemi, do you remember that night you fucked up in the new year? Yeah? LOL tell me when is that? 2009? Did you make out with someone? You remember? LOL I am here to embrassing you”

“Do you remember that park? LOL remember sad moments in there? FUNNY. I am great brain, that bring you a sad thoughts and process making you crying”

“LOL, I JUST DECIDE TO REMINDED YOU, REMEMBER YOUR BOYFRAND? Try remember the shirt the day he kissed you first time? REMEMBER THAT? Nothing, Just like to make you spend five mins of remembering his shirt color. It was black, right? Maybe it say Misfit on the black shirt. He might wore glasses. I REMEMBER AND YOU DON’T! This is now assumed”

“DO YOU—”

Shut up, brain. I do have great photographic memoires. I DO.

But I do not need to be reminded everyday, every 24/7.

You guys with no or lacking of photographic memories, HAVE NO CLUE how much suffer my memories taunts me and reminding me for no reason.

I am trying to moving on.

No wonder, I worries so much, then I worried if I might have repeat the mistakes as before.

NO.

Let it be. I just need TO stop remember. Start worry about money and everything that litearlly eat my soul out currently than remembering in past.

I hate you, brain the scumbag.

2011

otakurobin — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 20:09:29 -0600

Isn’t my favorite year. But I did have fun by travel around here state and out of the state. Normally I would list every month what I have done.

But right now, I decide to choose the best events ever happens to me.

BODIES exhibition is best thing. I love to see the dead bodies in exhibition. I just do. It’s interesting to see heart.. especially.. heart. Yes. I remember I spend 15 mins of watch this beautiful heart. I love it. Went there three time. First, I spend frist time, second, I got free tickets, and then last.. It was snow day and icy… my friend took me there. It was nice. I just never get bored.

Spring Break, My best friend and I went to Springfield for to visit my adorable friends, and threw a baby shower. It was cool. While in there.. We went to see Glore Psychiatric museum. Went to Branson for a day.. so to spend the day there was went to Silver Dollar City. Best day. Then baby shower day. I Just love spend my time there because I simply don’t worry. I can stay up all the night If i want to. I can go anywhere in springfield If I want. It was feeling.. great.

In May, the whole of that month is the most horrible month. And good too. we moved unexpected. I was very depressing to move out because of my Room. My Room is so much special to me. SO MUCH MEMORIES. But now, then we moved. I just.. forgot the sad feeling. Bad traumatic. It’s good thing. And, sad day that I finished my three-years of TulsaTech.

In early June, My friends and I spend the night at my best friend’s infamous ranch. It was amazing day, and then next day, we went to float trip. WE ALL GOT SUNBURNED. We walk like old people. ;) So due to our sunburned, we decide to stay one more night. I am tell you, it was best summer day I ever had.

Basically in my summer, I travel a lot. So much strange going on in summer, I remember but then I don’t recall why it’s strange. I think I know but, then I don’t want to share here.

In August, I decide.. I am going to Mexico. I can do this. My uncle and aunt supposed to take me but they delay too much. I am still not giving up. I decide buy tickets. Riding about little more than 24 hours in bus. I am fine. Traveling to Mexico often is alright. I am not even complaining. So I basically.. traveled myself alone. In Bus, where everybody speaks Spanish. If I can hearing. It would be not a problem to me. But still, not problem. I stayed there for a week. little more than 7 days. But still it is all worth for me to visit my adorable family. I had to stay there for short time because of college stuff. On my last day of staying in Mexico. My cousin’s completed relationship boyfriend, or I should say ex-boyfriend by now? But anyways He took me to a restaurant called Comic X. I tell ya, It was every geek’s dream to come true, and it filled my dream. I loved it! Their food is more like common food, Not much Mexican food. Just nice! I ordered myself a Jack Daniel, my favorite cousin Nancy is also order the same drink I had. It was amazing drink. I wish I had to order Margarita also. But I have good night in there. It was nice week I ever spent in my mini vacation in Mexico.

Then Of course I started my first semester of college in September. I really have no emotions of feeling ” YAY I STARTED MY DAY IN THERE. WHOO LULZ” or “OOO BUTTERFLY STOMACH NOW!! OOO I AM SOO NERVOUS” Nope. I just go to classes, listen to teachers. Learning how colleges works. It was amazing feeling really. But just feel like high school on first day, really. That’s how I felt about on my first day of college. But I did made amazing friends. I loved being able make friends. Of course I have stay there in dorm. My dorm lifestyle was alright. Not too exciting. At least I know how to manage the food by now.

Also, I reunited with my friend that I barely talk with him for maybe 9 months.

State fair was the most biggest event for people who lives here state, Oklahoma. So I went there one time, along with deaf people. I didn’t ride much, maybe 4 rides so far. But.. still nice night. Really.

I didn’t expect this happen, but I did get back into relationship. It was most surreal thing happens to me, But I am really glad that it happen.

That’s all I can think of couples that was amazing happens to me.

Of course I hate this year. So.. emotional.. little of roller coast by up and down.

But I kept work so hard to get money to pay what I can.

I pay off at pawn to get my laptop.

I went to see Harry Potter at midnight with my butterbeer.

I did have car crash, my left arm was sore as hell.

Passed my all 6 classes on my first semester, I must say it was amazing feeling to know I did pass this evil class, History.

So many things I did this year.

For my 2012, I am hoping to have good year.

Forward to my second semester, by taking multimedia classes. And possible change my major to multimedia if I liked the multimedia classes. If not, I am not sure if I wanted to go back to Graphic Design. I just outgrew my interested in Graphic Design.

But who knows?

Hopeful I don’t have bad emotional roller coast by up and down for 2012.

Hopeful, I can travel more states than just Texas to Mexico, or Missouri.

And, Let’s cheer the drink for 2012, shall we?

SOMETIMES....

otakurobin — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 14:18:58 -0600

I wish my mom won’t stop worry and tell me SAME shit about my weight. If she want to do something, THEN DO SOMETHING TO SUPPORTIVE, or rather I can do myself. I went to doctor. They say same thing.

you know what?

This NEVER helped anyone, including myself.

Sure, I always worried about my weight but same time, I NEVER took it into serious deal. Like by not eating eat. Do “Diet”. Buy pills that “supposed” help you to lose the weight, and such. Well shit, I don’t even do one of these single thing that “helps” to lose the weight. I simple reduced the food. I quit by drinking soda two years ago. October 25th 2009 is my anniversary for not drink soda. I DID THAT MYSELF. WITHOUT MY MOM’S HELP. I never asked her to help me. I did myself, with my best friend help. At frist, I quit for a week and half from October 25th 2009… My best friend saw me buy the soda from store convention. She said if its okay to do that. I thought I got better from my bladders and such that got me pain. So then I arriving with 32 oz of mountain dew if I might remember? I drink excited because ” Finally it’s been one week and half by drinking cranberry and water… Now i can drink soda!” So I drank. Within 20 mins or longer. I got these pains again. I decide to not drink soda for a month. Then later, I decide I can do it in two months with no soda. End of 2009, My mom OFFER me a soda as celebrate for new year I believe. I tried, almost give me a sip. I FELT guilty. I decide to deny it. I refused to take sip. I decide, that I should to not drink soda for a year! Then after that I might can drink soda again! Then after a year, I thought, why not another year? I don’t feel temper to get soda again. Sure during my first year, I did accident drink soda but it was VERY innocent accident, was from my friend’s drink. Assumed it was mine so i grab my lemonade. It was some mixed soda drink, I feel SICK. I went bathroom and spilling it. I realized how BIG different. So I decide that I should not drink soda. NO more.

My mom said from my first month of not drinking soda ( pop, if you tumblers might doesn’t get it what i meant by soda): ” I will support you by not drink the soda!” I felt flattered. After a week, seeing her still drinking Coke. Fuck you.

She still never get my point from now, I told her that I FUCKING hate hear of her, ” I know you got problem with that _______ ( I am not ready to share what’s wrong with my body right now, but this isn’t the point) BUT, doctor tried to make you felt better about not worry about your weight..”

Mom, This doctor I met two weeks ago, was the best doctor. She never even asked me about my weight. All she educating me about what to do with food, how do I count the crabs for my ________. I felt SO MUCH better by hearing this from my doctor. I cried in her office. I told her, “Thank you for say the.. nicest compliment I ever hear from any doctors in my life.”

My mom still tell me THE SAME SHIT, ” I know honey.. BUT—”

I know her answer, I mean I know what she is going to say.

” BUT—-You need to learn how to love about your body by lose the weight.”

Mom.

I have good patient boyfriend who listen and saw my situation around this family and myself. He did see my rude side, I did whine about everything between myself to my family and money.

So, let’s review?

I never got myself worried by considered to doing bulimic by cause from being anorexia. I never.

Sure, I did tried to make myself puke. But then I can’t. I thought, I am fine with what my body are.

But I did hate my big butt.

I hate my curve.

I hate my big hip.

I hate my body.

But i never thought of eating healthy.

Was used to drink soda so much.

Nobody tell me to reduce the food.

I skipped meal most of the time.

But then I would eat so much in one day.

I compared myself to hot girls.

I hate them.

I think they are vainity.

I liked my face.

I liked my boobs.

Never thought of sex until this year.

I wasn’t interested the relationship. I let them come to me.

Until three years ago. I decide to stop eat so much sugars.

I give up on donuts. I began hate them. SO MUCH SUGAR. Have you seen a donuts in burger? SICK people.

I started hate sugar.

Two years ago,

I give up on soda.

My face became clear and clearer.

I stopped have so much zits and pimples, also acne.

A year ago,

I never knew I would be in relationship with like my body form. But I did got in relationship.

My friends told me, ” DAMN you got these good shape!” I never have time to look at my curves. I mean, I NEVER noticed that I do have curves.

My friends encourages me about my body. I met more fat people, They wore what they want to put it on their body. THAT make me felt good.

Last year, during my relationship. I never thought of worry about my body. I am more like worried about him, but I did dress more girly than I would willing to.

This year, I started being “good” at cooking by making salad. I mean with pasta. I added with dressing. I learn so much things from cooking.

Then I went to college and living in dorm. I believed if I lived alone.. I might able to lose a lot weight.

And I did. ten pound off.

Then few pounds in. But.. I never able to lose my weight IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Now my mom still tell me about my weight and tell me that I still need to lose my weight. Is she worried about my looking when I am SURE being happy with my body. I have my boyfriend who loves me the who I am. In fact He did say that to me. I never knew I would hear that from any boys I liked.

Yes excirse is great. I LOVE walking SO MUCH. But then now I learning that I am plus size. Because of my big hip.

But i am fine with that. Because, damn.. I have great curve if i lose more pounds, the more curvier. But my hips? Still remaining same.

So, mom.

Your point wasn’t really help.

I work so hard without YOUR help/support.

Now I will no longer listen to your same SHIT that doesn’t even help me at all.

Oh, I think I should get new card. Because you fucking stole my 142 dollars to pay the internet & phone billing.. WITHOUT asking ME. I NEED THESE FUCKING MONEY to pay for my OWN stuff like.. buying gifts.

I sometimes HATE you, Sometimes I wished I had more money to moved myself out and live in apartment with the dog or cat I CAN take care MUCH BETTER than you do.

Sorry.. My vents.

I felt better by now.

Decisions.

otakurobin — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 17:34:49 -0600

Today, I decide to drop/replace my graphic design classes to multimedia classes if as they approved this by.. maybe tomorrow? Hopeful. I wanted to learn something new. So my favorite teacher who is a multimedia teacher, he and I had nice chat this morning. He decide help me out and taking basic classes for multimedia classes, like introduce to.. web design/3D/blahblah. So i can considered to change my major after next semester to Multimedia. If nothing work, because I don’t want to go back to graphic design.. I would.. depends. but really… I want to start study something new. I guess..

So, i expressed my thoughts/feelings into here. I don’t even have good feelings anyways, -inserted yao face-!!!

College & Major

otakurobin — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 00:36:47 -0600

Right now, I am sudden into the realistic thoughts about my major.

I mean, it’s great to going to this college where I am currently attending and living on this campus…

My current major is Graphic Design, I have been decided without thinking since about 10th grade.

But, the problem is people, tech, and friends have been encourage me to go for Graphic Design. I went [school name insert]Tech for 3 years to just study about Advertising Design. Don’t get me wrong. I DO LOVE THAT CLASS. THAT TEACHER I HAD IS SO AMAZING TEACHER. CLEARLY. But these classes I am taking is easy class, I never get serious about that class. I enjoy to learn so much about programs in MAC/PC. CLEARLY I DO. I love art. I DO.

But then at 11th grade, I got myself into morbid feeling. I loved to watch gores/horror movies. Edgar Allen Poe is basically like, my muse. I drew something darkly.. And then of course, i always changed my feelings about everything by every year. So at senior, Someone told me that I should go for medical illustrator.

I loved that idea. So I researched about it. But then, many things that I felt that I wouldn’t feel succeed with being a Medical Illustrator. So i kinda of still want to take some medical classes.

Today,

I sudden filled with thoughts about my major. I wonder if I did really take right major. I love art, computers and everything. But I am bored with it. I want to study something else. I was stick with medical major ever since I started apply this college last semester. Now, Since i started moved in here, I sudden think of this amazing major, Phlebotomist. It’s cool major really. I think it’s gonna be perfect for me. Because.. I just drain their blood into little vitals and analysed the blood. I am fantasized with that since I donated my blood as first time at senior year.

Just.. I DON’T UNDERSTAND why i didn’t think of any another majors that I might like to study.

I never wanted to take my art into serious major. That would ruin half of me which it already did.

I just…. I guess I wanted to study something completed different. Something medical.

I honsetly think Phlebotomist is gonna be nice major.

However, I can stick with graphic design, and take degree then taking phlebotomist as second degree. Anything’s possible.

Also, about graphic design.. That’s one thing, I HATE work with client. I just do. That part I never had enjoy about it. I just.. don’t. I want my way. Not theirs. But I understand, they’re my clients. But still.. I don’t think I would work well with them if I work in graphic design company.

I don’t know

I hate to feeling like I had to change my own major. I love art, and also medical stuff.

I hate you, life.

SOMETIMES.

Babies

otakurobin — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 21:44:00 -0600

Don’t get me wrong. I DO ABSOLUTELY LOVE babies/children.

They are such unique creatures.

Really they are.

Some of them born mistake. Some of them born with planned.

But, honsetly, Right now in this generation I am more disappointed in kids. I mean I am awe about technology we improved A LOT.

Apples products, cool cell phone, and more. But, we also influences kids, and then I felt like we have ruined kids’ childhood. I mean, Don’t get me wrong. It’s cool for them to be introduced at early ages. But As it seem they spend time indoor than outdoor.

And, then they get the idea of get in relationship that so early.

In my young age, All I do is free, I worried about pokemon, friends, food, outside, and such as I called it as normal. I did get introuced the computer at early 10. But, I love to fixing the computer. I love to learn so much about old classic PC my parent brought. it’s all fanastic, but I did get to spend a lot time outside. We don’t able to afford fancy internet cable for family computer. So, I never get to think of dating anyone at even 14 years old. I never though of it. I was into anime mode world, I have a lot crushes on anime male character. I never thought of dating any real boys.

And now, I finally got to date a boy who I never thought I would date in high school. I feel this second relationship with him is much better than last one. Last one, was.. not good as this one. He cares me better. But the point about this blog is,

I HATE PEOPLE who forgot to wore condom or never “heard” of birth control pills. I mean, i love babies but they ARE not for me. I never wanted one. Nor, even marriage. I never get to fantasied about being married. It’s beautiful but not for me. I am afraid of divorce and cheating. I just afraid if i get to married by now, .. i mean.. look at moronic people who get married by right now are used for money, and another reason. I don’t see the real love around them. Maybe they did see the real love. but right now, i am saying is this generation sucks as it is. I am glad i am from 90’s But doesn’t mean that decade is the best thing ever. I bet 70s is better? Who knows, But for sure I would enjoy in 70s, but sadly I am currently 20 years old. But the point is, I don’t want people pursue on kids about everything

I just want kids grew up with normal childhood.

And for women, I know you never planned for baby.. You know I have two words? Birth control. Oh one more thing.. one simple word.. Condom. Both are not like 100% but is very effective.

But for young hot mama, I know it’s not fun to got baby on unplanned way, You are lucky enough to able to take care of baby. I have few friends with babies. Their babies is such adorable. For god’s sake, i hope their babies are gonna be smarter than this generation. I love their babies

I guess this blog is mainly is how much I don’t want a babies. I would take any protected me away from making one. I JUST DONT WANT ONE. NOR MARRAIGE.

end of my rant.

Religious

otakurobin — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 10:31:00 -0500

Last night, as My boyfriend and I talking about random topics… Then we talks about jokes. He asked me about if we can get it from their hearing jokes. I said, we could but not all of us. I would. But It might takes me a while to understand. But usually I would, then I decide to share little more about deaf culture. I explained him that their drama is much pretty worse than hearing drama.. or maybe both, but from my view.. Is much fucked up and moronic drama I ever seen.

Like, some of us, deaf, would take mistook easily. Always make comments behind their back. They would. Even worse, deaf church. And then this make me into the topic about my religious.

Okay, I am pretty much either Agnostic. But you can call me pathetic atheist. Honsetly, both are pretty same but expect one is like positive and another is negative. From what I understand is, Agnostic believes something.. something. Like Believes that there’s a God. That’s it. depend on varies of beliefs of Agnostic people. For Atheist, basically they don’t believe in none. NONE. Don’t even one a bit.

But, we all are good moral.. well most of us are. We are good without religious.

So then I decide to share my bad experiences from my young times in deaf church.

I was about fourteen. I was anime loving fans. Maybe hardcore…
I was nice person. I love people. I love to going to church. Tried to have relationship with God. My God. But all my life from that moment, I never felt spiritual. But, I am pretty much of having this kind of unique ability that no one would have this, I am not saying with ego that i am only one. I think it’s family generic. From female line. My mom and my grandma. Both are pretty strong. But yet, my grandma is closed-mind. But she’s very lovely lady. I always admire her, even if she take me to her church in Mexico. Catholic church, while I am an agnostic. I always found peace in catholic church. Maybe because i am deaf, there’s no interpreter service. So All I would do is, look around the church. Painting, statues. and everything. My unique ability is able to predict something near. Not exactly predict. More like with my guts. If something seem wrong.. I knew it. But that time I was fourteen.. I learn that I have this ability. But never knew it’s handful. I never know how to use it. I wish I knew, then that way I would avoid everything.

I dressed normal. Or less normal. because I always wore something odd on my t-shirt. Sometimes have anime on it. I never been that girly side. I wasn’t. Make-up never crossed in my mind. Even now, I would.. but not all the times. Even I am dating right now, with the boy who I USED to dated. Well, yep. So the point is I dressed pretty much like tomboy. Not too tomboy. Just, ” I don’t give any fuck so okay?” dressed way.

People in my deaf church judged me.

Judge.

Why? What did I do? Do I need to dress nicer? Do I?

They judge my time on computer.

I am sorry, I was pretty born to love the computer. I learn quick by fixing my computer without handbook.. or anyone teaches me how. And then I was introduced with internet. i was amazed. But then.. Internet isn’t the great thing.. Porn, gores, and more. But the point is, That time I was fantasied with anime. I watch videos of it. I LOVE IT.
They judge me for this. They think I spend time more on computer instead of have time for my God. What…?

I was in bad emotion state, I don’t understand of this anymore. I wanted to stop by going but then, i don’t want my reputation goes bad. So I kept going. And going.

The more pains I spend my smiles in the church like nothing bad.

Many stupid things in church makes me so mad.

Later final, They figured it out that I support gay. I tried to convinced them that I am straight, but still support gay. Then that’s not make me gay. Okay?

They tried to convinced me that it’s all wrong. WRONG. SIN.

Okay.

Alright, you know what? Fuck you.

But that’s all my thoughts. I have also bad temper. But not once I would scream/yell at them in church, instead I screamed at them in my mind. Or Imagine how I kills them. Maybe Pushed them in the stairs. But I never harm anyone.

And then, a real miracle comes.

My house burnt down. Well not like a house become gone. No, just something inside that causes fire, and like, BOOM. and then everything destory.

I.. started depressing. I was stuck in the memories repeated of this house, I…lost my emotions. But this is really a miracle.

Because THIS did changed my views about EVERYTHING. I would say mind blown. But not really. Just something makes me realized of everything.

As fall of 2008, I started as junior. I also attend Technology school. It was changed my life and everything. But yet.. lacking of emotion.

And then every step I went, without church. Without religious. Since house burnt. I instant stopped by going church.

I learn how to be more open mind. I met more people than before without reglious. I am being without it, makes easier for me to able to talk anyone

Wiccan, gay, transgender, atheist, and more. They make me what I am now.

I am glad for house burnt. Yet, yes I was stuck in “depression” But then Soon, I met some unique people. The more I forget about my “depression”. The more I forward about future. Then I let my past go. They are past. They are something I learn, but not stuck in.

So, That’s all I wanted to share.

yep,

Soon to be 20, been an agnostic since maybe 18.

And deaf. that’s something different because it’s rare for me to find any deaf that are agnostic/atheist. Like me. Maybe less than 10 deaf that are like me.

-N

make me a sandwich

Thu, 22 Sep 2011 16:13:42 -0500

crap. no. I forgot i had second secret blog ” dailysecretthoughs”

AND I WILL NEVER IN MY LIFE TO MAKE YOU A SANDWICH. >:)

Keep calm and be yourself.

otakurobin — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 21:26:08 -0500

As I visited my family in mexico which is right now I am at mexico.

such risk to take travel all the way on my own with my money by pay bus flares.

i told my family in here, But before I explain more.. My family is very.. strong judgment against the something, like sex before marriage, get pierces on strange spot, tattoos, and gay. Don’t get me wrong. I love my family in here mexico so much. But just I wish they understand the humanist. We all are human, never been trying to be perfect.

okay, back to ” told my family about—”

I told my family in few days ago that I will be in college in sept, so i stay here for short time which is a week. And I will lives in a dorm.
They seem overwhelm with the idea about have me living in the dorm. Expect few cousins seem don’t care. They said It seem I didn’t respect my parent’s house and I should stay in my parent’s house and driving to college. Ugh. You guys.. just living the same life. I want to be different and be exploring something.. new!
Then they seem accept the idea, because I am the one who first person in my family.. both of my parent’s side family.. to live in the dorm in college campus.
Then my aunt, told me I had to be careful with not hang out with friends, like drinking and drugs, even saying that I should be not hang out with gay people

WHAT?

I mean sure, every college will comes with drugs and drinking as usual. Just If i dont want to get trouble for drinking illegal in college campus, i won’t. but off campus, I might. But drugs.. no not for me. Weeds? might. But i want to focus on college.

But.. hanging with gay people? You have cross the line, aunt!

I mean, really? Gay people are just a people to me. I don’t care about to get judge them. It’s NOT my job. And, really… I am supirsed how much you been same for many years about hating on gay and hold the beliefs.

Wake up, aunt! This is the world we changes. Well hell, if I am a lesbian girl.. What will you do? abandoned me? JUST BECAUSE if I am a gay. Look, Me: smart girl, loves to study anything, loves to exploring around, and open mind.

But compare to your brother, My uncle: alochilic like daily, being acts like 12 years old, Never finish school, have low education sense, and such. Of course you won’t abandoned him because he’s not gay. But abandonded me if I am a lesbian? COMPARE to our illegenince level? My ass.

Excatly, we should not judge and be loved by anyone. Anyone with various level of illegence. Anyone with race color. Anyone with anything are same to me. It may look different because of our ethic, race, and beliefs. But we are humans. YOU ARE A HUMAN, sometimes i want to punch you and slap you. But hey, you are a human. Gotta to understand this!

And one more, Stop begging anyone in our family about getting novios ( boyfriends/girlfriends) and convinced them to get married.

Oh please? Marriage is out on my line. I don’t even want to get married young. They ruins my freedom. I want do something careless. Something new daily for me to expirences. Relationships? I dont really want to get in serious relationship. Really I don’t. I just want to expirences sex and relationship before I get marries late. For now,

I want to finish college with a degree.

I want to travel the world.

I want to be fun person instead be serious and worry about relationship being serious and marriage.

please, aunt? i can see you being enslaved in the marriage early. You married to an asshole guy who don’t give any damn about deaf daughter’s education. Oh you too. Being with family is too important than daughter’s education. Thinking about saying me being hang out with gay people.

I mean really?

Sorry, for my rant. I felt better by typing here.

But.. I gotta to know.. at least I will do shit in america.

-Nom Nom <3

I am imperfect.. and I am fine with it.

otakurobin — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 01:05:00 -0500

My life have its up and down. I always been feel unfit in my family.

One thing, I learn how to be myself. My mom have been defense about being ashamed to cover each area that men might whistle. She never been that comforable to expose a little skin.

I raised that way. I was a tomboy.. Not exactly.. But I was acts like one.

Last year I have finally been dated a guy who turn it out he’s jerk but at least I got myself experiences with sexual touching around my skins.. my shoulder. Since we was dating… I start wear something nicer. Not because of him.

But because of this.. he make me love my body. I decide to wear good clothes.. a v-shirt to show my boob cracks. Something like that…

So right now, I have been changed a lot compare to 5 years ago to now.

Five years ago, I always cover with big t-shirt. Doesn’t give damn about hair.
I only dress up nicely for myspace posers pictures. But reality.. I was a fat and careless about my body.

Now, I was fanastic with summer dresses, tank tops, and summer clothes. I exposed my bra last week for swimming. I don’t care at all. I just don’t. If I do care, I would worried.
I was love with by show little of my boobies, Not whole. Just.. at least show what my body made of.

Tonight my mom still showing full cranky about shirtless and want me to cover my arm and boobies cracks. I am sorry but I felt great to wear something nice and sexier. Something I learn how to be comfortable with my skins.

Sure, if I am fat.

Sure, But that’s not going to stop me.

I got my good figure.. curves.

I got good skin color, well dammit I am mexican.

Sure if I got big butt, But I never liked it. That is the least thing I like about my body.

But that’s okay.. That’s something I love about me, is my personality.

I learn how to be me. I have met few of fat people than me, They already exposed their skin, wear summer dress. They are the reason I felt good about my body, I should not have worried. As long,

I should drinking a lot water which I did.

And eat healthy.

It’s okay to lost the pound slowly.

I learn that guys should love girl the way she is, instead on the body.

I mean. we will grow old. fatty on hidden spot on our body.. winking the skins. We are

never

been

perfect

at all.

I just want to be young and live for a while. Exporer the world without worries about my own body.

Fuck you, society.

I am Nom Nom. This is my secret thought. :)

WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

Sun, 07 Aug 2011 20:34:09 -0500

I think Japan is amazing place to visit. I have a lot passion and everything to visit it. Also England. I think it’s amazing to visit the “another world”. Just.. because they are oldest of all from compare to here America as that’s where I lives. :)

I just learned about add blog

otakurobin — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 13:24:51 -0500

Now i can shared myself with thoughts and everything……. :)